We’re Heide Goody and Iain Grant, and we’re thrilled to be your guest hosts for today.
We are co-writers of comedy. We’ve been writing together for six years and we’ve written ten novels together now. You might have encountered Clovenhoof, where Satan is made redundant from Hell and sent to live in suburbia.
The books we’re talking about today are Oddjobs and Oddjobs 2. It’s the launch day for Oddjobs 2 and to celebrate, we’re offering Oddjobs for free, so please, go and grab yourself a copy.
Imagine a cross between Men in Black and The Office and you have a feel for the Oddjobs world. There are all-powerful monsters in the world, and at some point they will choose to annihilate us all. In the meantime though, there’s a specialised government department whose job it is to prevent us all discovering the truth and panicking about it. They might also need to provide some special services to the monsters themselves. If you think your job is bad, imagine trying to source a virgin’s heart, arrange storage for some dangerous artifacts and then get through a meeting with the marketing department about how you’re going to sell the apocalypse to an unwilling public. And obviously you mustn’t forget to do your timesheet.
To celebrate all things work-related we thought we’d make you all feel better about your jobs by suggesting how much worse it could be.
We present to you the worst jobs of all time:
- A police officer in Cabot Cove: If you remember the TV series, Murder She Wrote, you won’t be surprised to learn that Cabot Cove is the murder capital of the world, over 50% higher than Honduras, its closest real-life rival. You’ll also know that a little old lady is responsible for solving all of the crimes that occur in that unfortunate town. Would you want to be present for the performance appraisal of the policeman responsible? Yes, so would we, but not necessarily in his / her shoes. Having said that, we wouldn’t fancy being a real estate agent in that town either – “Oh, this property’s just come onto the market? And the previous owners? And this mysterious red stain on the carpet? Really?” And speaking of stains…
- Dry cleaner for the Ghostbusters: You watch those guys (either in the original or the reboot). They can’t go five minutes without getting ectoplasmic slime all over their overalls. No problem, you say. Just stick it in the washing machine at 40 degrees. Putting aside the fact that slime is a stubborn stain, all that ectoplasmic mess is going to have side-effects. One too many sets of overalls put through the machine and you’ll be running the world’s first haunted launderette. Whose washing machine already seems to have a life of its own as it fast-spins its way across the utility room floor? Yeah. We dread to think what would happen if it gained a spirit. And speaking of ghosts…
- Therapist for Mystery Inc: You think that years of chasing ghosts, zombies and monsters will have had no effect on Freddy, Daphne, Velma and Shaggy? They’re just college kids. Everyone suspects that Shaggy smokes herbal substances when he’s off screen. And who can blame him? It’s probably the only way he sleeps at night. And you think Velma keeps losing her glasses by accident? It’s clearly an attempt to blind herself to the horrors. Let’s hope there’s a juicy mystery for them to solve when they meet in group therapy ten years down the line. And maybe then they can discuss their collective hallucination about a TALKING DOG. And speaking of dogs…
- Cruella de Vil’s puppy handler: If it ever occurred to Cruella that she might get hold of her Dalmatians through legitimate means (e.g. buying and / or breeding them) then she would have needed at least one handler. What would you do if you’d lovingly reared all of those puppies and your dastardly employer revealed that she wanted to make them into a coat? A job that would present a terrible dilemma for an animal lover. And still speaking of dogs…
- Teeth-cleaner for Cerberus: As a reminder, Cerberus is the mythical Hell hound with multiple heads and one body. Now, you might think that the worst job would be the person following this hell hound around with a doggy poo bag (many heads, one bottom!) but spare a thought for the person would at the other end. Although modern depictions often show Cerberus with three heads, earlier and more accurate(!) descriptions give him fifty heads or even one hundred. Now, we don’t think this beasty has the best of tempers and we wouldn’t want to go near any of those snapping jaws with our veterinary toothbrush.
Oddjobs 2 UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B072MZJCZ5
Oddjobs 2 US: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B072MZJCZ5
HUGE thanks to Heide & Iain for taking the time to be on my blog today. Please come back very soon.
Before you go please check out our review of Disenchanted, by Heidi & Iain. Our favourite comedic novel of the year so far Our Review
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